Thank you for this post. People talk about “hidden costs” of war but it’s hard to know them until they’re given words. I think we can identify with the ideal vs. the reality but I hadn’t thought of it in terms of the war and family. Thank you for your sacrifice, a sacrifice you don’t fully know the extent of yet.
Thank you so much for your words, dear Brian. This is probably the most painful part of a war, because it's a part that we are not able to picture in photos, but we can feel deep inside how devastating it is, and only language can build a bit of what it means. 💙
I am 85 years old and was the wife of a career US Army officer during Vietnam, war in the Middle East, and Special Operations in places unknown, so I feel your pain acutely. It was long before the ability to actually talk to the absent spouse by cell phone or facetime. It could be weeks between handwrittan letters. So I feel in every cell of my body the collateral damage that comes with war. No member of the family unit is immune to the damage. None will ever be the same.
As someone with Ukranian ancestry, I feel connection. God be with you and hold you in his protective grace.
As long as war is lucrative for someone (usually not the governments participating, and certainly not the poor sods on the battlefields themselves), or someone feels desperate enough to think that's the only answer, it will still exist. X-P
I'm not sure it can be legislated against, to make war profiteering a crime; those that do might find a way around that limitation. But it's a hope...
Unless/until war lands right in /their/ laps (at this point, I'm practically looking forward to an alien invasion; the "Independence Day" movie united Earth around the world in that universe), I'm not sure how much of this will be fixed. :(
Viktor, this time you didn’t just bring tears to my eyes. This time they are running down my cheeks. My heart is breaking for you. I have no more words, only a full heart and tears. May God be with you and your son, and your wife. God be with you.
Your words and tears are in my heart, dear Alia, thank you so much. There will be a day when I will come here only to write about flowers, cats, and children. But for now, I feel I must keep releasing what's inside of my heart, so maybe we don't have wars again anywhere in the world. It's dream, but our duty is to not stop dreaming too! 💙
Please keep releasing your feelings, dear Viktor. I know you need the relief. Know that there are people around the world who care for you and whose hearts are open to you.
My dad was a WWII vet, who'd been over in Europe. I'd seen the photos of what places looked like, in stark black and white; I'd gotten the chance to visit Europe with a college-student tour company kind of thing in 1985 (15 countries in 31 days, including Yugoslavia... X-( ), and you'd never know there'd been a war, visually. Everything was either rebuilt to what it looked like before the war, or was modern-looking; things had changed, but people endured and eventually prospered again. :)
Viktor, I sincerely hope that you and your family can be together again soon, in peace. :)
There are no words, just tears and as much hope as I can garner for my Ukrainian friend Viktor. Too awful and too sad….it’s much too sorry for words. I’m broken at the moment.
Thank you dear Joan, I really don't know if I made the right thing, only threw some words instinctively. This was a situation when being a father really slaps in the face and keeps slapping at every time I think about it. I thought I wouldn't have forces to write this, but 20 minutes after published I still don't believe I managed to build this text.. 💙
Your strength is more than you know, but I can see it. I also have children, older than your son now, and we went through some very difficult times so I know that feeling of being slapped by just being a parent. Your situation is different and harder in even more ways I’m sure.
But I think what you did was try to hold the space for innocence and love by telling him now is not the time - and as far as child development-you did exactly the right thing. How can you know how to act when you have never, or ever imagined, being in a situation like the one you’re in? Try to give yourself grace-you are doing incredibly well at holding onto your humanity in the face of horrible challenges to it. 💚
You are wise, my good man, as Joan wrote. You made the wisest decision possible,one that underscores your love for your son and wife under unbearable circumstances.
This is a heart wrenching moment. The question so real and profound. Your son has everything he could want in a father . You may not consider yourself a hero but your compassion. Love wisdom and strength say otherwise. What a beautiful piece. Slava Ukraine 🇺🇦
Thank you Andrew. Thank you so much for that. You made me understand that this article is a declaration of love to my son, and although I never forgot about how much I love him when writing, I think I thought unconsciously, without figuring it out tangibly, for real. Real it was, but not really felt. Well what a confusion I made! But the important is that now I know that for sure. 💙
Viktor, such a heartfelt writing today. I can feel your anguish in your words, as we so often do in your pieces. Your son might not be able to comprehend at his young age the cost of the war for your immediate family. As he matures he will know you again through your writing, the laying open of your heart and soul, so willing to share. He will know that your love for him and your wife and your country is what keeps you going every day even when you feel you can’t. He will know you as a man of character, integrity, bravery and compassion because that’s what is apparent to all of us. I will pray the war ends soon so all Ukrainians can start rebuilding their lives and begin living again. Slava Ukraini. 🇺🇦
I really appreciate your words dear Joan, each one of them, and you made me remember what I have thought a couple of times, but don't recall as often as I should: that this journal is a testament of my feelings, of myself, of the man I wanted so much to be despite all the flaws, all a testament to my son somewhere in the future. Actually, everything I do I carry him inside me as fathers generally do, but I will remind of that even more after this piece and after your comment. Thank you so so much. 💙💙
That was so sad but beautifully worded. You are right. Hidden costs that no one thinks of. Praying that you get home soon and reconnect with your son, your wife and that this madness goes away. Thank you for sharing the human side of war and the sacrifices you all bear.
Thank you Isabel, I really believe my personal sacrifices are important to be shared because there's nothing personal when thousands are living the same thing. And what about those who don't have a son to reply to tough questions anymore? We all must know that war is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone, to a family, to a country, and to our world. 💙
While I understand your response. I am more concerned with what I can control. In this instance it is understanding and acknowledging the human cost that Viktor and his brothers and sisters experience while having no choice other than serving.
I think you handled the situation the best you possibly could. Doesn’t change that your heart is breaking but you did the right thing for him. You’re a good dad! I pray you’ll be back together soon.
It's the question I know my husband thinks I will ask and the question I don't know how to ask. There has to be more than heartbreak that binds us together. I will always fiercely defend his commitment and bravery even when he doubts himself. What else can I do for the man I love? Perhaps when we finally reunite the answer will come. Slava Ukraini
I cannot know what this is like. I am fortunate not to have ever been in this kind of situation. I think your response was best for your son. He doesn’t need to know the details especially at such a young age. I’m sorry for the separation from your family. I can only offer the perspective of my dad. He served in WWll and never talked about anything but the beautiful countries he saw. Never the dark side…
Until his last year or so of life. Then he would mention the friends he lost and how he stopped making friends as it was too painful. A sibling asked him once if he ever killed anyone and they weren’t 8. They were grown and should have known better. He just stared at them with anger.
He mentioned how one country (not Germany ) would report their military movements to the Nazi’s and saw people kill women and children at their front door. I knew he had lots of stories, but I never asked as I knew he never wanted to speak of it. Until I think he knew he didn’t have much time left and it come up from the place he had buried it. I never saw my dad cry before…he was a very strong,intelligent person and it pained me to see him relive it. War never really goes away. He hated it with every ounce of his being. He told me no one wins in a war. He said every country, every person should avoid it at all costs. I’m glad he is not here today to see all that is going on.
I think your son will understand better when he is older and when you are back together.
You can’t get the time back, but the love is there under the hurt and misunderstandings of a young boy separated from his dad by war. If we cannot understand this evil, a young child cannot possibly. The best to you and your family.
At several times when I was writing that, my friend, I was silently praying and intending that in some way what I was writing never ever comes to happen to anyone in the United States, although I feel sad when I read about how immigrants have been treated in the last months and remember that it's happening there too. I write because of that too, Christopher. Because wars are never too distant from us for us to feel safe where we are. This is a shadow that follows humanity everywhere. The difference is that in Ukraine, shadow "ejected" from the wall and came to life, but this nasty shadow is everywhere.
Mine as well, Christopher. I was born into a world being overtaken by Hitler, and now, at 84, fear leaving the world in a nation being overtaken by an equally despicable person.
Your words are very powerful, Viktor. I wish I had some powerful words to help you and the other brave citizens of Ukraine. Alas, I do not. All I can say is that I hope you keep writing and fighting. Slava Ukraini.
Thank you Norm, you don't need to say anything, I know that you are with me and with Ukraine just be being here, by sending your impressions, your care. That's something more powerful than most things in life. 💙
Unfortunately, the Russians have stolen these last few years from you and all Ukrainians. Children are very resilient, though, much more so than adults. I am optimistic that you’ll be able to rekindle the relationship with your family very soon.
Exactly, dear Greta. That's exactly the message I wanted to share with this article, actually with most of the articles. To share the horror when we can't translate it into images and sounds. There's no shortage of pictures of destroyed buildings and cities, but it's important that everyone knows that war destroys us inside too... 💙
Viktor, your words were so painfully honest and raw. It took great courage for you to acknowledge them to yourself, much less put them in writing for us to read. You literally bared your soul to us in a way that was profound. Any parent or spouse reading those words could understand the loss you are grieving. If there is a good aspect, it's that your wife and son still have you to talk with and vice versa. Hold on to that and know that lives and relationships can and will be rebuilt when this hell is over. Hopefully our care for you will help sustain you. We do care.
Thank you for this post. People talk about “hidden costs” of war but it’s hard to know them until they’re given words. I think we can identify with the ideal vs. the reality but I hadn’t thought of it in terms of the war and family. Thank you for your sacrifice, a sacrifice you don’t fully know the extent of yet.
Thank you so much for your words, dear Brian. This is probably the most painful part of a war, because it's a part that we are not able to picture in photos, but we can feel deep inside how devastating it is, and only language can build a bit of what it means. 💙
I am 85 years old and was the wife of a career US Army officer during Vietnam, war in the Middle East, and Special Operations in places unknown, so I feel your pain acutely. It was long before the ability to actually talk to the absent spouse by cell phone or facetime. It could be weeks between handwrittan letters. So I feel in every cell of my body the collateral damage that comes with war. No member of the family unit is immune to the damage. None will ever be the same.
As someone with Ukranian ancestry, I feel connection. God be with you and hold you in his protective grace.
As long as war is lucrative for someone (usually not the governments participating, and certainly not the poor sods on the battlefields themselves), or someone feels desperate enough to think that's the only answer, it will still exist. X-P
I'm not sure it can be legislated against, to make war profiteering a crime; those that do might find a way around that limitation. But it's a hope...
Unless/until war lands right in /their/ laps (at this point, I'm practically looking forward to an alien invasion; the "Independence Day" movie united Earth around the world in that universe), I'm not sure how much of this will be fixed. :(
Viktor, this time you didn’t just bring tears to my eyes. This time they are running down my cheeks. My heart is breaking for you. I have no more words, only a full heart and tears. May God be with you and your son, and your wife. God be with you.
Your words and tears are in my heart, dear Alia, thank you so much. There will be a day when I will come here only to write about flowers, cats, and children. But for now, I feel I must keep releasing what's inside of my heart, so maybe we don't have wars again anywhere in the world. It's dream, but our duty is to not stop dreaming too! 💙
Please keep releasing your feelings, dear Viktor. I know you need the relief. Know that there are people around the world who care for you and whose hearts are open to you.
I can’t wait for the day you can write about flowers, cats and children!!!
I am waiting for the day the war ends so I can come visit Ukraine 🇺🇦
Me too! :)
My dad was a WWII vet, who'd been over in Europe. I'd seen the photos of what places looked like, in stark black and white; I'd gotten the chance to visit Europe with a college-student tour company kind of thing in 1985 (15 countries in 31 days, including Yugoslavia... X-( ), and you'd never know there'd been a war, visually. Everything was either rebuilt to what it looked like before the war, or was modern-looking; things had changed, but people endured and eventually prospered again. :)
Viktor, I sincerely hope that you and your family can be together again soon, in peace. :)
Please keep writing, Viktor. The world needs to hear your words! ❤️
There are no words, just tears and as much hope as I can garner for my Ukrainian friend Viktor. Too awful and too sad….it’s much too sorry for words. I’m broken at the moment.
You are a wise man, and you did the right thing for your son. My heart hurts for you, knowing how much you’re missing your family.
Thank you dear Joan, I really don't know if I made the right thing, only threw some words instinctively. This was a situation when being a father really slaps in the face and keeps slapping at every time I think about it. I thought I wouldn't have forces to write this, but 20 minutes after published I still don't believe I managed to build this text.. 💙
Your strength is more than you know, but I can see it. I also have children, older than your son now, and we went through some very difficult times so I know that feeling of being slapped by just being a parent. Your situation is different and harder in even more ways I’m sure.
But I think what you did was try to hold the space for innocence and love by telling him now is not the time - and as far as child development-you did exactly the right thing. How can you know how to act when you have never, or ever imagined, being in a situation like the one you’re in? Try to give yourself grace-you are doing incredibly well at holding onto your humanity in the face of horrible challenges to it. 💚
I think that was the only answer you could give him, Viktor. 🫂
You are wise, my good man, as Joan wrote. You made the wisest decision possible,one that underscores your love for your son and wife under unbearable circumstances.
This is a heart wrenching moment. The question so real and profound. Your son has everything he could want in a father . You may not consider yourself a hero but your compassion. Love wisdom and strength say otherwise. What a beautiful piece. Slava Ukraine 🇺🇦
Thank you Andrew. Thank you so much for that. You made me understand that this article is a declaration of love to my son, and although I never forgot about how much I love him when writing, I think I thought unconsciously, without figuring it out tangibly, for real. Real it was, but not really felt. Well what a confusion I made! But the important is that now I know that for sure. 💙
Your son will read this thread one day and realize his father is a hero beyond compare Victor. He will be proud whatever happens in this world.
Viktor, such a heartfelt writing today. I can feel your anguish in your words, as we so often do in your pieces. Your son might not be able to comprehend at his young age the cost of the war for your immediate family. As he matures he will know you again through your writing, the laying open of your heart and soul, so willing to share. He will know that your love for him and your wife and your country is what keeps you going every day even when you feel you can’t. He will know you as a man of character, integrity, bravery and compassion because that’s what is apparent to all of us. I will pray the war ends soon so all Ukrainians can start rebuilding their lives and begin living again. Slava Ukraini. 🇺🇦
I really appreciate your words dear Joan, each one of them, and you made me remember what I have thought a couple of times, but don't recall as often as I should: that this journal is a testament of my feelings, of myself, of the man I wanted so much to be despite all the flaws, all a testament to my son somewhere in the future. Actually, everything I do I carry him inside me as fathers generally do, but I will remind of that even more after this piece and after your comment. Thank you so so much. 💙💙
That was so sad but beautifully worded. You are right. Hidden costs that no one thinks of. Praying that you get home soon and reconnect with your son, your wife and that this madness goes away. Thank you for sharing the human side of war and the sacrifices you all bear.
Thank you Isabel, I really believe my personal sacrifices are important to be shared because there's nothing personal when thousands are living the same thing. And what about those who don't have a son to reply to tough questions anymore? We all must know that war is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone, to a family, to a country, and to our world. 💙
Your words speak of the humanity still within you.
While I understand your response. I am more concerned with what I can control. In this instance it is understanding and acknowledging the human cost that Viktor and his brothers and sisters experience while having no choice other than serving.
I think you handled the situation the best you possibly could. Doesn’t change that your heart is breaking but you did the right thing for him. You’re a good dad! I pray you’ll be back together soon.
It's the question I know my husband thinks I will ask and the question I don't know how to ask. There has to be more than heartbreak that binds us together. I will always fiercely defend his commitment and bravery even when he doubts himself. What else can I do for the man I love? Perhaps when we finally reunite the answer will come. Slava Ukraini
Dear Victor,
I cannot know what this is like. I am fortunate not to have ever been in this kind of situation. I think your response was best for your son. He doesn’t need to know the details especially at such a young age. I’m sorry for the separation from your family. I can only offer the perspective of my dad. He served in WWll and never talked about anything but the beautiful countries he saw. Never the dark side…
Until his last year or so of life. Then he would mention the friends he lost and how he stopped making friends as it was too painful. A sibling asked him once if he ever killed anyone and they weren’t 8. They were grown and should have known better. He just stared at them with anger.
He mentioned how one country (not Germany ) would report their military movements to the Nazi’s and saw people kill women and children at their front door. I knew he had lots of stories, but I never asked as I knew he never wanted to speak of it. Until I think he knew he didn’t have much time left and it come up from the place he had buried it. I never saw my dad cry before…he was a very strong,intelligent person and it pained me to see him relive it. War never really goes away. He hated it with every ounce of his being. He told me no one wins in a war. He said every country, every person should avoid it at all costs. I’m glad he is not here today to see all that is going on.
I think your son will understand better when he is older and when you are back together.
You can’t get the time back, but the love is there under the hurt and misunderstandings of a young boy separated from his dad by war. If we cannot understand this evil, a young child cannot possibly. The best to you and your family.
I as American can understand and relate to this story more than most. My biggest fear is that Happening here.
At several times when I was writing that, my friend, I was silently praying and intending that in some way what I was writing never ever comes to happen to anyone in the United States, although I feel sad when I read about how immigrants have been treated in the last months and remember that it's happening there too. I write because of that too, Christopher. Because wars are never too distant from us for us to feel safe where we are. This is a shadow that follows humanity everywhere. The difference is that in Ukraine, shadow "ejected" from the wall and came to life, but this nasty shadow is everywhere.
Mine as well, Christopher. I was born into a world being overtaken by Hitler, and now, at 84, fear leaving the world in a nation being overtaken by an equally despicable person.
Your words are very powerful, Viktor. I wish I had some powerful words to help you and the other brave citizens of Ukraine. Alas, I do not. All I can say is that I hope you keep writing and fighting. Slava Ukraini.
Thank you Norm, you don't need to say anything, I know that you are with me and with Ukraine just be being here, by sending your impressions, your care. That's something more powerful than most things in life. 💙
Unfortunately, the Russians have stolen these last few years from you and all Ukrainians. Children are very resilient, though, much more so than adults. I am optimistic that you’ll be able to rekindle the relationship with your family very soon.
Bless you. You're fighting the hard way.
Buildings and material possessions destroyed by war can be replaced. Lives, though, and time away from family cannot.
Exactly, dear Greta. That's exactly the message I wanted to share with this article, actually with most of the articles. To share the horror when we can't translate it into images and sounds. There's no shortage of pictures of destroyed buildings and cities, but it's important that everyone knows that war destroys us inside too... 💙
You hit the nail on the head beautifully, Viktor!
Viktor this broke my heart
Viktor, your words were so painfully honest and raw. It took great courage for you to acknowledge them to yourself, much less put them in writing for us to read. You literally bared your soul to us in a way that was profound. Any parent or spouse reading those words could understand the loss you are grieving. If there is a good aspect, it's that your wife and son still have you to talk with and vice versa. Hold on to that and know that lives and relationships can and will be rebuilt when this hell is over. Hopefully our care for you will help sustain you. We do care.